Yoga Makes Me Fart (a poem)

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Okay, this didn’t really happen to me, but I can’t say this really didn’t happen to me or it will sound like I’m lying and it did really happen to me, so I just won’t say anything at all. Oops, wait.

I thought this was a very original poem but after researching it a bit when I was finished writing it, it turns out farting in yoga class is kind of a thing. Who knew? I’ll share the product of my research with you at the end of the poem.

I took one yoga class many years ago and – well, let’s just say it didn’t go well. Again, fart suppression wasn’t the problem. I’m just not very bendy, which is surprising since the bendable Gumby and Pokey figures were my favorite toys as a child.

My next worry was that writing and posting a poem about farting would destroy my sophisticated reputation. I shared this worry with my wife. Her laughter (not at the poem – at my fantasy about anyone thinking I’m sophisticated) encouraged me to forge ahead. 

Anyway, all you yoga farters, ashamed or shameless, I hope it gives you a laugh.

Yoga Makes Me Fart

Well the misses and I,
We were growing apart
So I joined her yoga class
Cuz it’s dear to her heart
But I couldn’t bend that way
At least not at the start
And to make matters worse
Yoga makes me fart.

Yep, yoga makes me fart.
It makes me cut the cheese.
The yoga teacher got mad and said
“Just wait outside, please.”
I tried to show my sweetie
Just how much I care
But instead I left her yoga pals
Dying in there

If you’ve never done it,
Man, don’t ever start.
Yoga makes me fart.

Talk about your silent rides home.
I said sorry but she said, “Just leave me alone.
You did that on purpose,
Don’t you think I know?
If you didn’t want to do it,
You should have just said so!”

So I changed the subject and asked,
“How’d the rest of the class go?”
She said, “We had to put the windows down
and it’s twenty-five below!
But it didn’t help at all,
you big, flatulent schmoe!
It just smelled like somebody
Took a big dump in the snow!”

They all seemed so nice,
So enlightened and clever
So you can imagine my surprise
when they banned me forever.
They all seemed so peaceful,
At least at the start.
But what can I say?
Yoga makes me fart.

Yeah, yoga makes me fart.
The big, wet, slappy kind.
I made all them spiritual folks
go plum out their minds.
If you’ve never done it,
Brother, don’t ever start.
What can I say?
Yoga makes me fart.

 

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3 thoughts on “Yoga Makes Me Fart (a poem)

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